My Eternal Balancing Act

 

Little did I know I've been busy balancing the internal with the external for the sake of the Eternal. Yes! That phrase is a perfect summary of my life choices and my path forward. 

It's so simple and yet so invisible for most of us, right? We don't even realize we are involved in a cosmic balancing act.  We are caught up in the constant chaos of daily life most of the time, forgetting the Eternal nature of our soul. 

I'm remembering my soul - that's what I mean by "internal" - and balancing it with what's going on in my daily life in this world, which is what I mean by "external." And I'm finally seeing a vast purpose for this balancing act.  

The purpose of my cosmic balancing act in this life is to shape and refine my soul forever. Yes! My life matters. My soul matters. The life of the soul housed in my body is a precious package on a unique cosmic journey, and it's destination cannot be located with GPS. 

For now, I focus on the balancing act and the journey, trusting that my Almighty God knows the destination and time of arrival.

What I Did Right in 5783

This is a page from my Jewish Junk Journal today, part of my Soul Seforim collection. I have bookshelves and file cabinet drawers full of them, providing testimony to my learning and spiritual growth.

Sometimes I look back at these pages and marvel at what I've learned and experienced. Today is Rosh Chodesh Elul, so I have my Soul Seforim for 5783 all set up so I can go through them as I consider my annual teshuva work that begins in Elul.

My new Elul Plan involves first looking back at what I did right. Meaning, before launching in and working on what I need to improve, I am choosing to focus on my mitzvot and accomplishments of 5783. These hand-made Soul Seforim REALLY help me do this. I can visually. tangibly see what was important to me and why. I can see a path, my journey through the past year. 

Learning About The Holy Temple

Original photo by Tim Wildsmith on Unsplash (edited)

This is the Kotel, the famous Western Wall of the retaining wall of the Temple Mount in Jerusalem. Reading many books and taking many classes about the Holy Temple, I've gained a much greater appreciation for the Kotel, what remains of the physical Holy Temple destroyed in 70 AD.

But that's not all. The spiritual aspect of the Holy Temple is coming into focus for me, too. By "spiritual aspect" I am referring to the Third Holy Temple existing in Shamayim (Heaven).

Secrets of the Future Temple (link to the entire book online) by Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto and translated by Rabbi Avraham Greenbaum is invaluable for understanding the Third Temple. Rabbi Greenbaum is teaching his translated book online now, and I am participating in his classes.

Rabbi Moshe Chaim Luzzatto, also known as the Ramchal, wrote his book Mishkney Elyon in the 1700s. Could he have imagined students so distant from each other and from the translator meeting together digitally to study his book over 250 years later? 

Studying the historic Holy Temple and the future Holy Temple during the month of Av is helping me prepare for the month of Elul 5783. 

In this video, Rabbi Mendel Kessin explains the relationship of the Third Holy Temple to Shabbat, and the spiritual reality of our contribution to building it in Heaven and on Earth.

Ground Water and Sky Water

 

Since Jews around the world started praying for rain in Israel a few weeks ago we've come out of a severe drought here in Arkansas. Rain is forecast all week and today it's pouring. 

It's warm enough to put my houseplants outside in the daylight. They are really loving it. I can actually see a difference in their posture as they absorb the sky water compared to being watered with ground water. 

Being a plant person, the difference in my potted plants' demeanor seems obvious. Living alone, nobody else will see the happiness my plants are experiencing. Of course there's nobody to doubt me or to argue either, which is probably a blessing when it comes to believing in houseplant demeanor.

I thrive on sky water, too. In Torah, rain water is often used to represent blessings.

"In Jewish theology, abundant rain is an expression of divine blessing and approval, a means of measuring Israel’s commitment to the covenant, and a matrix from which life emerges." Rabbi Lawrence Troster 

That's what sky water represents in my life. My houseplants reach up for it and prosper, and so do I.

My Bag of Blessings

Looking through my bag of blessings, like a shopping bag full of groceries, I see a collection of items that surprise me. Who put these items in here? Where did they come from? They were not on my shopping list, that's for sure. Did I pick them up mindlessly and stick them in my bag myself?

I'm choosing to see what I'm carrying as blessings. It's a daily choice. Struggles and challenges were not on my shopping list with the veggies and dish soap. No. The hardships in my family and in my world were not on my list, yet here they are. 

Please, Hashem, Avinu Malkeinu, my Father, my King, may I see everything you provide for me, for us, as genuine blessings. May I come to see situations as you see them, Lord, today and every day.

Eishet Chayil and Me

 

Eishet Chayil – Is It Really About Me?

Secretly I have wondered if Eishet Chayil is really about me. Spoken or sung on Shabbos, I can feel my spirit relaxing into the words of Proverbs 31:10-31, but my mind is not convinced it truly applies to me.

Lori Palatnik teaches us that Jewish women must take a stand today, as we took a stand at Mt Sinai. The Jewish women have the privilege and the responsibility of bringing light, not just once in the past, but continuously, now and into the future.  

Eishes chayil mi yimtza ve-rachok mi-peninim michrah
Batach bah leiv ba'alah ve-shalal lo yech'sar. 
Gemalas'hu tov ve-lo ra kol yemei chayeha. 
Dar'eshah tzemer u'fishtim va-ta'as be-cheifetz kapeha.

The first sentence is translated, “A Woman of Valor, who can find?”

Lately I’ve begun to wonder if I am the one who needs to find her. Meaning, the way I take a stand for my family, my community and my people is to fully accept myself as Eishet Chayil when I light my Shabbos candles each week. Yes, I accept the blessing from others with whom I’m gathered, but that’s not the same as accepting the blessing in my own heart.

Yes, Eishet Chayil is really about me, just as I am, where I am, as I am right now.

Practice Praying As A Jew

 

When asked, this is what I tell people about praying as a Jew. I tell them it is perfectly acceptable for anyone to read the Book of Psalms in their Bible. It’s in there, waiting to be read silently or aloud. That’s all it takes if you want to practice praying as a Jew – read Psalms aloud.

It is not generally understood that a significant portion of the traditional daily prayers that Jewish men and women read aloud each day consists of excerpts from Psalms. Jews who learn to pray in Hebrew from a young age do not always understand every word they are reading in a siddur, their Jewish prayer book in Hebrew. People who have not learned to pray in Hebrew from a young age can begin to understand the foundation of traditional Jewish prayers by reading Psalms in any Bible.

Reading Psalms in your own language is taking a step forward and backward in time, both at the same time. Is that possible? Yes! Moving forward and backward in time is a reality every time you pick up your Bible and begin to read from the book of Psalms.

Psalms Written In The Past Speak Into the Future

The book of Psalms is attributed to King David, monarch in Israel about a thousand years BCE/BC. He is depicted as playing a harp and singing out to God during the long nights of his dramatic, troubled reign. His songs were written down and sung when the first Holy Temple was built by King David’s son, King Solomon, a few years after King David passed away.

So, reading Psalms takes you back in history to the time of King David and the time of the first Holy Temple in Jerusalem. But reading Psalms also propels you into the future as well. What? How does that work?

Reading Psalms is not merely reciting songs written 3000 years ago. It is also reading silently or speaking aloud powerful affirmations for the future of the Jewish nation. When Jews read from a siddur in Hebrew or in translation to their native language such as English, Spanish, or French, etc., they are asserting the life of the Jewish people for all time. Psalms written in the past speak about the future.

Reading Psalms aloud is speaking into and about the future. Pick up a Bible and read a few lines or a few chapters of the Book of Psalms. See how it feels now that you know more about it. You can practice praying as a Jew anytime. And you cannot do it wrong. Just try it!

My Connection to Hashem

My Connection to Hashem

My connection to Hashem did not start when I converted Reform in 2011. It was alive and thriving long before that time. The story of my connection to Hashem started decades before I knew the word Hashem and what it means - The Name. My connection to Hashem is also my relationship with Hashem.

My spiritual history is long and obsolete. And yet, it formed me into a willing vessel for my Orthodox Jewish conversion now. The story of my relationship with Hashem as a Jew is current and vital. It is alive and thriving in Torah, which is what I was missing in the past, although I did not know it. 

But my soul knew something about Torah, for sure. Songs and poems poured out of me, accompanied by a ukelele as a grade-schooler and a guitar in high school. I wrote and sang folk songs about God long before I knew him as a Jew. Those scribbled lyrics on faded scraps of paper are not nothing. They are tangible proof for my intellectual mind. They are what my mind must have needed to recall my genuine soul connection to the Creator of the Universe, our Almighty God and King. 

Seventy years are condensed into the three paragraphs above. Only now, at the age of seventy, am I beginning to understand what my soul knew and revealed to me over the last sixty years. If I start to feel like a spiritual sluggard, a remedial problem in the school of life, I think of Moshe Rabbeinu, Moses Our Teacher, liberator of the Jewish nation, who began his famous prophetic career at the age of eighty. 

My connection to Hashem is ever fresh. It's not like a silk floral arrangement that looks lovely, but lacks life force. I am growing and flourishing with Jewish life, for real. L'Chaim - to life!

At long last I am beginning to understand that I am a mishkan, a portable tent housing holiness in the wilderness of the world. Yes, it's true! Torah contains more sections about the Mishkan than any other single topic.  That fact tells me more than the actual words tell me as I study the Torah portions again every year. 

Also called the Tabernacle and the Tent of Meeting, the Mishkan was the original sanctuary the Israelites were commanded to build for the presence of God to dwell among them. Eventually it was replaced with the first and then the second Holy Temple. Both Holy Temples were destroyed, and today the Jewish people understand that we are, each of us, to make ourselves a dwelling place for the presence of God in this world.

I read these words each day in my siddur, my Jewish prayer book, and I believe them -

"I will make myself a sanctuary for Him in this world..."

Although it may sound like a lofty endeavor, and impossible to achieve by flawed human beings, becoming a mishkan is simply a choice. Having a connection to Hashem is a growing, moment-to-moment awareness of Our Almighty God and King which can be ours for the asking, with tenacity and persistence.

I am sharing my own experience in this life. I asked and I received, though the process has been a long one, and it continues to this day. The process of my connection to Hashem involves speaking aloud to Him and having confident expectation of His reply, in prayer and contemplation. These two things work for me, a lively little mishkan in this world.

Jews men pray aloud in congregation, most often in Hebrew. That is what most people know about Jews. But many Jews, and specifically Jewish women, pray fervently in their native language when they are alone. They use a siddur to recite traditional prayers, or they speak directly to Hashem as if they are speaking to a close friend.

When I began speaking out loud to the God of my understanding I was not Jewish and I had no prayer book of any kind. That did not matter. What mattered was, and still is, my intense desire to form a connection, to have a relationship with my Creator, my Almighty God. Anyone with the desire can do it, anytime they choose.

Nobody is more surprised than I am to read the words, "I am a lively, little mishkan in this world." What a blessing to know it and to write it! May you be blessed in your connection to Hashem today, too.

Orthodox Jewish Conversion Thoughts - Tishrei 5783

 

Orthodox Jewish Conversion Thoughts - Tishrei 5783 (2022)

I did not chose to undertake a second conversion to Judaism to make my life more difficult. Life is harried, stressful, and overwhelming for women of all faiths, including Jewish women, and certainly for women of no professed faith.

Being a person of great faith, I am not choosing to make my Orthodox conversion into a big mantle of overwhelm, one I must shoulder and grudgingly carry throughout my day, throughout the rest of my years. Whenever I feel the overwhelming heaviness of new mitzvot descending upon me, I pause. And I ask myself one question.

“Am I being practical, sensible, and wise about holiness?”

Answering this question truthfully is helping me make my way through an Orthodox conversion program without retreating into fearful overwhelm. Oh, I could go there easily if I failed to ask and answer the basic question. It’s a Yes or No question. It’s not complicated. New information and obligation always tends to be overwhelming to us, whether it involves holiness or not.

Wisdom about holiness must prevail in taking on the many mitzvot of a Torah-observant life. The mizvot are not designed to override or circumvent wisdom, even when we cannot understand them intellectually.

Hashem created human beings in the process of becoming more observant to aspire to and gain wisdom, not to circumvent it. Torah was given to us as a foundation for wisdom and holiness in this world and beyond. Torah study is giving me wisdom as a woman in the process of becoming more observant of the mitzvot.

Torah study led me to decide to convert a second time, and Torah study is informing my ability to choose practical, sensible, wisdom about halacha. When faced with teaching that starts to feel threatening or intimidating, I pause and ask, “Am I being practical, sensible, and wise about holiness?”

The fact is that many things a person learns in a conversion program are specifically for men. Many mitzvot are specifically for men. I am not a man. This is another fact, and it must be top-of-mind as I study Torah and halacha.

Another question arises, and it requires a factual answer, “Does this apply to me as a Jewish woman?” Without asking and answering that question, the mantle of overwhelm may start hovering over me.

Yesterday I felt the weight, the heavy mantle of overwhelm descending, and knew I needed answers - fast. Thanks to the internet I found them quickly on Halachipedia.com “Women are exempt from all time bound, positive commandments, Mitzvot Aseh SheHazman Grama, with a few exceptions.” Exploring those exceptions is my privilege and dedicated focus now.

What a blessing to be involved in an Orthodox conversion program with access to the internet. And what a specific blessing to locate the simple, clear, halacha provided by Rabbi Yitzchak Sultan on Halachipedia.com. He has curated a wealth of articles which have been reviewed by Rabbi Mordechai Willig, Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshiva University.

I am choosing to undertake an Orthodox conversion to Judaism with practical, sensible wisdom about holiness, as it applies to me, as a Jewish woman taking on more and more mitzvot.

Following is a list of resources I am collecting for myself and for other interested Jewish women:

Ezrat Nashim - the Women's section on Halachipedia.com

Kashrut - the Kosher section on Halachipedia.com

Shabbat - the Shabbat section on Halachipedia.com

Deracheha - Israeli yeshiva for women and mitzvot

Rebbetzin Tziporah Heller-Gottlieb - Naaleh Torah for women and girls

Sephardi Women's prayer obligations - Halacha Yomit on Women and Prayer

Women and Mitzvot - Aish Women and Mitzvot in Judaism

Jewish Women's History in the US - Jewish Women's Archive Orthodox Judaism in the United States

Rabbi Shay Schachter Concise history of women's Torah study and mizvot obligation